my spring song is coming

Do you hear its beat? Do you feel that bass? Here it comes with the warm breeze that brushes past my cheek. What are the lyrics this time? Something to do with satisfaction contentment peace But there is still more to come, I can feel it. I am still wrapping up my winter song, it…

tetelestai

It has taken me months to get to an understanding that I can hardly grasp. Months, to be able to explain why I can have joy in the midst of an ocean of uncertainty and heartache. Around and around I go with my self-doubt and insecurity, yet I am reminded of truth everyday. You are…

a place to lay my head

I have very few vivid memories in my life, but possibly one of the most defining moments that I will never forget was when God called me to attend UC Merced for college. This story starts with a feeling many Central Valley natives are familiar with… a burning desire to leave the second they get…

a word for death

Death, you have no place here.  Not in my flesh, not in my spirit. Death, you try and you try but you will never win. You’ve been my companion since birth, eating away at me with each passing minute. You’re a friend to the clock, you work hand-in-hand, never informing me of your coming. You…

raw sessions: holiday blues

The reality is that I’ve come to flinch away from the holiday seasons. They’re always reminders of sadder times for me. They’re reflections of the things people have lost. The happiness that is elevated for so many other people is a stark contrast to the deep melancholy that has filled my heart in this season….

my winter song

It’s not truly winter yet, but my winter season has already come in full force. It looks like a lone key sitting, returned, on my dining room table.  It smells like home-cooked Filipino food that greets me when I go home. It feels like my cat who nestles at my side as I fall asleep….

raw sessions: funeral thoughts 

I’m already cranky as I️ leave my apartment this morning. I’m not looking forward to being carsick, and I️ have been dreading this day for weeks, because I️ was not ready to deal with grief again.  So I️ held it together. I️ slept in the car, and I️ kept myself stoic as we entered into…

prodigal daughter

I was talking to my Sponsor and this is what came out of it. I remember sitting still after I had said the words out loud, tears of wonder gathering behind my eyes, while my Sponsor smiled knowingly: “The worst pain I’d ever experienced thus far was having made my mistake and having gone back…

raw sessions: even when it hurts

This has been a season of gritting my teeth in anguish to keep from screaming out loud. I’ve experienced heartbreak, betrayal… I’ve watched yet another loved one pass away as I watch yet another one fade away. I’m watching friends’ hearts shattering to the floor, and I’m watching people who I love deeply experience deep-seated…

Hosea 2

To the lover of her soul, She betrayed you. She was cruel to you. She forgot you. She spat on your outstretched hand, and walked away from you. She was like Israel and was unfaithful to you. She sought refuge in the hands of other lovers. She lost sight of you. She spiraled until you…

marvel (a raw, but more joyful session)

How marvelous it is that His mercies are renewed every morning. This season has been difficult for me. I’ve battled bitterness, loneliness, insecurity, pain… I’ve elbowed my way through this transition and have fought God long and hard about this new season He had placed me in. But in the midst of that, I let…