walls

No one actually needs you in their life. They just want you for what you can give them. You are not significant. Once you stop being useful, you will no longer be wanted. There are so many better people out there than you, why would anyone ever want you as their friend? Look at how many times you’ve let people down, you think you deserve to have close friends? You’re annoying. Stop talking. Your story is boring, NO ONE CARES.

Oh yeah and that guy you like? You really think he’s going to stick around? You really think he’s not going to leave you behind once he sees who you really are? Look around you, do you see all the beautiful women in this world, you are not one of them. There are so many more lovely, gracious, caring, articulate, intelligent, Proverbs 31 women out there. Why would anyone ever want to have YOU in their life.

You’re boring. You have nothing to say. You’re too loud, too emotional. Your teeth are crooked, and look like you’ve put on a little weight. You talk to fast, and stutter too often. You’re a quitter, you’re not intelligent. You are, you are, you are…..

You know, I should be sleeping right now. But sometimes terror grips you and you just have to sit and pour your spirit out.

Somewhere across the sea, Jesus began to unwind the chains I had wrapped myself in so that I could face all of the hurt and loneliness I had bottled and downed everyday for almost two years. And though I have come far in my healing process, I am still in the midst of that healing process. I forget that sometimes.

I get so caught up in the goodness of life that sometimes, when my insecurities rise up, I get knocked down a little harder than necessary because they seem to come up from out of the blue. In getting lost in the moment I forget for a second that I am a girl with raging insecurities. To be completely honest, it wasn’t even until recently that I realized that I had so many insecurities.

I’m in a situation right now where I am trying my best to be open and vulnerable with a person. I’m doing my best to tear down my walls so that I can let not only this person in, but my closest community in as well. The funny thing is that in this process, I have found that I am actually tearing my walls down from the outside. Even I don’t know what is going on the inside of my own walls.

Picture this: These walls that contain everything ugly about my life started out as just a small jar that held the things I was scared of; maybe heights or spiders. Then my parents start arguing and jar turns into a box. Then bullying starts and the box upgrades to a closet. My close community of girls abandons me and next thing I know the closet becomes a building with a parking lot big enough for the endless line of semi-trucks that are hauling in my burdens. By high school, I had become adept at tossing every bad memory, every hideous part of my personality, and every insecurity into what has now become a fortress of everything I have never ever wanted to face. A little “ghost” of whatever is in that fortress will appear every once in a while, but for the most part, my fortress is secure.

Enter the more recent me,  who steps into what could only be described as an identity crisis. How is it that at age 20, I have no idea who I am or of what makes me…ME. I’ve seen that I cannot love people with all my heart if my heart has been hidden away. I’ve found that if I cannot fall into true intimacy with Christ if I am even hiding my heart from Him. How could I possibly try to even reflect my Creator when my own vision of myself is clouded? How can I be a light, a jar of clay if I have hidden it all from the world?

Now don’t get me wrong. I love people, I love my God, and I always have. I had just reached a point where I could not go any further without first allowing my own self to catch up to where my life had come.

So, I made the decision to tear the fortress down, and it has not been easy. All of the ugly is coming out slowly but surely. A clear example of this is that recently I had gotten so genuinely angry that I sat and sobbed for about two hours straight. Don’t panic just yet. This is good because I usually bottle up anger so that I would never have to feel it. But by letting myself acknowledge my anger I can truly heal from it.

In regards to hurt, I usually bottle that up and throw that into the fortress too. But in doing so, I had allowed my insides to rot with bitterness and resentment. So now I’ve learned to be open with how I’m feeling. If someone hurts me, even if unintentionally, I let them know so that we can talk and reconcile. I think this is my favorite new part about myself, because though it sucks, and though takes a lot of courage to do, it has made a more honest woman of me.

A lighter “ghost” that has come out of the fortress is the one called “performance anxiety”. Unless it’s doing worship, I’m not down to perform on stage; ESPECIALLY if it’s for a competition. I honestly, truly hate being seen and judged by other people. It brings out a lot of feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment that stem from years of scrutiny. Long story short, a significant person in my life forced convinced me to perform with him for a singing competition, and well we won… somehow… I honestly don’t care that we won, I was just happy to do something silly and memorable with someone I care about. I was even happier though, to be pushed out of my comfort zone just a little.

So here’s what’s hitting me tonight, a lot of my deeper insecurities are popping up. I’m in a place where I’m trying to tear my walls down so that I can draw closer to others right? Well tonight I was suddenly rammed by the “ghost” that told me that others are going to only abandon me. That once again, I’m going to share my heart and life with someone, and they’re going to leave me in the dust.

I’m scared brainless. I know a lot of these things I think are lies, but then what if they’re not? I’m sitting in the middle of the demolition process for my fortress screaming for everything to halt. I take it back, I take it back. I don’t want it destroyed, I want it FORTIFIED. I’m scared. I’m scared of being hurt, I’m scared that no one wants me in their lives, and I’m scared that once my fortress is down and I am left vulnerable, I will be attacked and humiliated in every way shape and form.

But then I remember the joy of being able to be open with my mother about where I am in life. I remember the joy of heading up to Yosemite for sunrise because I trust someone with my heart and life enough to go pray on a mountain. I remember the relief I feel every time my best friend tells me that my problems aren’t burdensome to her, and that she wants me in her life. I remember it every time he tells me that I’m beautiful and that I’m worth pursing. I remember all these things and have to pause once more to center myself. Maybe the vulnerability is worth it in the end. 

This is what my Father whispered to me in response to all of this:

“Cast all your burdens on me, I will sustain you, and I will not allow you to be shaken. My child, you may have spent your life building walls around your heart, but beloved, I already have you in the palm of my hand. I have already fortified your heart with my truth and my protection. My beloved, I stand guard over you. Even when you cannot see me, I am carrying you. My angels surround you. I will say it again, listen, I will not allow the righteous to be shaken.

Take courage, and wait on me. I have always been here. When your friends left you, I stood by your side. When you cried out in despair, I held you close. When you saw only ugliness when you looked in the mirror, I reminded you that you are my daughter and that you were fearfully and wonderfully made. Your story is important because I wrote it. Stop listening to lies, incline your ear towards me, for I have been speaking over you. What have you to fear, my daughter? I am Yahweh, and you are mine.” 

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