***originally written 10.27.16***
I’m the girl that learned to bottle up her emotions and block them out. I’ve hidden from pain all my life. Somewhere inside of me is still a 9 year old girl who is crying because people had done things to her that present day her cannot remember. I have thrown up walls all my life in a feeble attempt to protect myself.
I am in the process of tearing down those walls.
But now in my hands is ugliness. Slipping from my fingers is anger, hurt, disbelief, and disappointment all rolled into one hideous mess. Usually, I’d neatly pack it up and chuck it over a wall and let it join every other horrible thing I’ve never let myself feel.
Not today. Today, I’m pouring this mess over me, I’m rolling in it. I’m letting it seep into my pores and slip into my bloodstream. Let it drown me, overcome me. Let it bring me to my knees until I am broken and hoarse and crying.
Let me be filled with emptiness and despair so deep that I can’t claw my way out. Let me be on my hands and knees, heaving and struggling to breathe. I’m tired of not feeling, I’m tired of hiding. Let people see me as I am, broken and in desperate need of saving.
20 years. This is 20 years of hurt that I have hidden from. This is the accumulation of 20 years of fear and hatred and despair. Let the gates open, let this be the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Let me break. Let me be in need. Let me lack.
Break me, Lord, so I can come to you in full honesty. Let me crawl into your arms and weep. Let me tell you about all the bad things people have done to me. Let me tell you about how much, about HOW DESPERATELY I need you.
Let me be broken today, so that I can find true holistic healing tomorrow.
For now, just stay with me. God, for now, just stay with me.