I don’t know what you see when you look at me, but when I look in the mirror I see a girl who has no idea what she’s doing. I see a girl who spends most of her hours trying her best to care for others, but still continues to feel a little hollow on the inside. I see a girl who is surrounded by crowds of people, but still feels invisible to everyone.
Tonight was one of those nights, the one where the lies are a little louder than the truth that you’ve been wrapped in. It’s one of the nights where insecurities eat away at your heart and make you stumble backwards a step or two.
I can still hear those lies now, and at this point just want to shovel under a pile of blankets and shut the world out.
God, will I only ever be a ladder rung? Designed to support people and help them get to their higher destination? Have I only been made to be stepped on so that others can rise up? Am I meant to be alone until the next person who needs me comes along to stay a while before they leave?
God, then if that’s the case, make me the best ladder rung I can be. I am your servant, your vessel, your tool. Use me as you will, because my life is yours and yours alone. If I am to spend my days kneeling here pointing others to you until I am called home, then God, let it be.
But God, if that’s the case, change my attitude. Soften my heart and humble me, because right now I feel defeated. I feel worn and useless.
I look in the mirror and I see a failure. I see a girl who hasn’t really gotten anywhere in her life. I feel useless, and I carry the idea that there will always be people around who are better than me around. I love the people in my life so much that I want to introduce them to other people who would care for them much better than I can. I would give my mentees a more dedicated mentor who could speak life into their lives. I would give my best friends each other because I know they would be much better at caring for one another than I ever could. I would give the man I’m dating a confident woman who could carry his heart and read his mind better than I could. And I would give my parents a more selfless daughter.
Without trying to sound suicidal, because I’m not, if I could I would honestly edit myself out of the stories of the people around me and try to fill the space with something better than me. I look at the stories that I have the privilege of holding and I cannot help but think that I am unworthy of these precious gifts. If I could I would give them back to their owner and tell them to give them to someone who could care for their stories well, because I really feel like I can’t.
I don’t have words of encouragement. I only have my raw processing tonight. There is no large message here today… just a crumbling dam that is just barely holding back the flood of “everything I have never ever wanted to face”. The flood is almost here, and I don’t know if I’m ready for it.
-Soli Deo Gloria, even now… always.