core issues

I just want to be loved. Every insecurity I have, every time I feel jealous, every fear that clouds my vision… my want to be loved is the root of it all.

The fact of the matter is I am scared and I am scarred. As long as I can remember, people have left me. So I in return began to run away instead. If hardship sprung up, instead of sticking around to fight, I decided to give up and run before the other party could do the same to me. I figured in my heart of hearts that it would hurt me less if I was the one to leave, but it didn’t hurt less… it just hurt differently and with more intensity because I was the one inflicting the pain.

To the people I am in a relationship with (platonically, romantically, etc.) I am terrified you’ll leave me. There is a part of me that is bracing myself for your sudden absence. That same part of me is sure that I have nothing to offer anyone, so they’ll leave for something bigger and better.

The more I write the more I realize how works based I have made my relationships. I don’t believe anyone could ever unconditionally love me, so I work really hard to try to prove to people I am worth having around… and then it turns into a vicious cycle because I really don’t feel like I am worth having around. It’s a disgustingly self serving thing to do, but this is my reality. I’m realizing that I don’t really trust people to stay, that if I’m anything less than the image I have projected of myself, people will just get up and leave.

I see it in my life. My personality is one that demands attention, yet shies away when it is concentrated on me. I think that is because I am afraid that people will truly see me and reject me. I see myself always apologizing for taking up any space. I see that I rush through my narratives because I don’t feel like my story is worth anything and that I’m wasting people’s time if I’m talking about myself.

Yet the most hurt I experience and the most unloved I feel is when someone fails to create space for me to lay my heart out to rest. All I want is to know that someone is willing to hear my story. I want someone to tell me I am worth something, but not only tell me… SHOW it to me. There are some days that I just want to tell someone about what’s on my heart but I can’t create the space myself to share for the mere fact that I feel like I’m being overly rude if I keep talking about myself.

I cannot even wrap my head around my own self sometimes. I desire to be known, but I am afraid to speak. I value people’s stories, but I see my own as worthless. I believe strongly in honestly, but in my own life I can’t bring myself to be true to my own feelings…

I just want to know people want me around. I want to know I’m valued for who I am. I want to know that people care about my heart. I want someone to dig into my life, and press in when I give surface level answers. I want to know that there are people out there who can see past the facade I’ve so carefully crafted. I just want to be fought for, to be cared for, to be seen.

-Soli Deo Gloria

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