I’m lost.

If someone were to ask me to describe 2017 so far I would give them the illustration of me in a boat drifting in an ocean. There’s no wind to push my sails, there’s nothing solid I can push my oar against, I don’t really know how to navigate, and I’m running low on food.

Basically I am confused, frustrated, and drifting.

I don’t know where I’m going to be in a year, I don’t know who will still be in my life, and I don’t know who I will be. Heck sometimes, I don’t even know who I am now. I looked at myself in the mirror today and hardly recognized who I was.

I mean look at this, I can’t even write coherently right now… the semester hasn’t even started.

There is only one thing that I know, that I have been reassured of: God is steadfast.

I was reading a devotional by Beth Moore and she urged people to place their faith in WHO God is, not in WHAT He does.

My God is an invisible God, sure. But He is one that is unchanging, who has been the same since the beginning. All of His promises, and everything He is will always remain the same. My settings might change, my career path might change, my friends might change, my relationships might change… but my God never will. And THAT, that is something I can rely on.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

~Isaiah 55:9-11

I may feel as if nothing is happening, that I am stranded in an ocean with no way out. But God is working, He always is. I just don’t see it sometimes… and a lot of the time, He is working in ways that I cannot even begin to comprehend. I forget this fact a lot of the time, and let my faith rest on what I can see God doing instead of letting it rest in who He is. My faith needs to rest on God’s identity, not His activity.

For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.

~Hebrews 6:13-20

So I think I’m just going to be still for a while and wait on God. I’m going to stop trying to desperately push my life in random directions and let God be the one to fill those sails and lead me forward. It won’t be easy, and I hate giving up control, but my life never really was mine to begin with.

If everything is yours, I’m letting it go. Oh, it was never mine to hold.

-Soli Deo Gloria


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