to Calvary, once more

God, where are you?

God called me to make a choice this weekend, a choice I didn’t want to make, and a choice that I knew would deeply hurt someone I loved. But after arguing with Him, and after even asking for a physical sign which He gave, I obeyed.

As predicted, the consequences of my decision played out, and for the first time in my life I found myself bitterly regretting having obeyed God. I understand exactly why God did what He did, but that didn’t stop me or the other person from hurting.

After spending about 3 hours crying with a beloved friend, and after whispering about the hurt our hearts were burdened with to one another… God reminded me of what He was doing in my life, and He set my beaten heart at peace once more.

I had asked God to put me through fire to refine me, so that I could be more like His Son. I asked God to clear my path so that I could run straight to Him. I asked Him to show me what it looks like to place Him first in my life, above everything. I wanted to know what sacrifice looked like. I wanted to understand the depth of what it looked like to live a life that was God-centered. I asked for less of me and more of Him.

He answered.

First, He asked me if I would give up the thing I loved the most to Him. I said yes. Then He asked me if I would obey Him even if the cost was pain and the possibility of losing what I loved the most. I said yes. What else, Lord? What else?

Lord, I will continue to say yes until I have nothing left to offer but my life, and if you want to take that already, I hold it out to you. I only gain. I will continue to march towards you though my feet are worn and though my heart bleeds. Father, everything is already yours. You have given me all that I have, if you want it back, I will give it to you.

Abba, I don’t know what You are doing in my life. I don’t know what plans you’re making, I don’t know what the future has in store, and I don’t know what you will take from me… but to you I offer everything.

I am sorry for regretting obeying you, and I am just as sorry for hurting the person I love. But Father God, if you asked me to do the same thing again, I would still obey.

I set my eyes on you again, my God, my Rock, and my Redeemer. To Calvary I return, that I may remember that your love for us could not even protect your own Son. I rejoice in the work you have done. Though you slay me, I will set my hope in you. Thy will be done. 

So, God, where are you? Beloved, I am still here. 

give up self,

take up the cross,


-Soli Deo Gloria


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