I wish I could say this new season in life has been a whirlwind of fun and adventure. I wish I could say things have been easy, that life is seemingly perfect in this tucked away little pocket of the world. But in all honesty, this is one of the roughest transitions I have ever experienced in my entire life.
Coming back from Thailand, I was ready to be an adult. I was ready to move away from my childhood home and begin a new life in a new town with a new job. God had called me out of everything I had thought I was going to do with the rest of my life while I was in Thailand, and I was ready to hear the rest of His majestic plan for me in the time to come.
But instead I sit in my bed alone, frustrated, feeling sick, having just called my mom after having yet another breakdown this week. The first few days of my new life were romantic. I was independent, I had a job, I had my first apartment, I lived on my own, I was in a new town. But now I have just been feeling the emptiness of my new life.
I’m lonely. I’m homesick.
This waiting period is painful. I hate HATE not knowing what I’m working towards. Not having a plan is the worst kind of hell for my heart. In a stark comparison to how I felt when I was in Thailand, I feel utterly disconnected from God. I heard from Him constantly for 5 weeks straight. I heard His clear calling for something different, His affirmation for some new purpose in my life. I heard His comfort, felt His presence, watched His hand perform miracle after miracle… I was ready to see and hear more from Him back in the states. But instead it feels like I am forgotten by God. That He was about to tell me something, but then forgot to get back to me. I know it’s not true… but that’s just what it feels like.
In the meantime, I’ve been throwing myself into work. I LOVE my new work, don’t get me wrong… but it’s the spaces that I have when I get home that resound painfully with me. After 3pm each day, I have nothing to do. So I read, I decorate, I clean, [sometimes] I cook, I buy plants, I rest… but then it’s 5pm and I’m left with the same dilemma. Those are the pockets of time where the loneliness hits, where the homesickness sets in.
I’m an extrovert, I awaken when there are people around, and I thrive when my close community are within hugging distance. But in this season, they’re not. In this season, I’m left without most all of my community within my reach. A combination of my low moments and my inability to summon someone to be with for comfort bring me back to a spiral of feeling lost and alone. I feel like a child every time I start crying over the phone because I miss mom’s hugs. I feel shrunken down and defeated when homesickness and loneliness wash over me and disable me. My exterior shows some semblance of a post-grad student confidently pulling her life together, but the reality is that I am a young girl who is scrambling to keep things from falling apart.
My head knows better. My head gives me verses to cling to, Christian music to put on repeat, lists of friends and family that are just a phone call away, promises God has made that I can hold fast to. But today, and for many days now, my heart has given way to uncertainty, doubt, and loneliness.
I’m a little girl lost in a grocery store looking for her parents. I am a teen trying to decide which university to go to. I am a college student trying to figure out what career to shoulder for the rest of her life. I am a woman just trying to pursue whatever calling God has for her.
I wish I could tell you post-grad life was pretty. I wish I could say that I’ve made tons of friends and that I’m always happy here. I wish I could say that I had a clear purpose that I am steadily marching towards. I wish I could tell you I’ve made a home for myself here.
But truth is I’m lost. Today I’m tearstained and snotting because I miss my parents, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life, and I just feel so darn lonely. I’m just trying to be okay with these things at the moment.
That’s the truth.