The reality is that I’ve come to flinch away from the holiday seasons. They’re always reminders of sadder times for me. They’re reflections of the things people have lost. The happiness that is elevated for so many other people is a stark contrast to the deep melancholy that has filled my heart in this season.
I’ll just say it. I’m not happy today. There is a time for everything, and today, joy is not something that is filling my heart. A lot of pain and brokenness has been circling my community for a while, and today, it was my turn to receive a shot from the wheel of life we rotate through. I left work early and sunk into my sheets, desperate to escape the crushing feeling of dread and fear that slapped me in the face today.
At one point I left my apartment to try to escape the weight that sat on my shoulders, and I just walked mindlessly, until I found it in myself to call a friend who just listened to me cry and apologize as he drove from work. (Thank God for solid community).
I had two glowing, bright spots in my day. My best friend who sat across from me and let her presence wrap around me, and my time volunteering with the kids at my church.
I didn’t want to go today, I was going to call in sick and take a mental and physical health night with myself. But I needed a distraction, and I’m so glad I went. Volunteering with them put my mind in a better place. My heart for sure is still sunken at the bottom of the ocean, but this will do. We sung about bravery today, we awkwardly danced to silly choreography. I stood with the other leaders and we complained about the cold and gawked at the kids running around in just tee-shirts. We memorized Scripture and taught about sin and the Holy Spirit. Little truth after little truth embedded it’s way into my mind, and I wrapped each up and tucked it away for later, because Lord knows I’m going to need it.
My favorite take-away though, is a take-away that I has followed me with every encounter I have working with students. I love observing them in all of their innocence and energy. I love their passion to learn, and the love that they lavish on those around them. I love their shamelessness and willingness to try harder. I love their honesty to a point of brutality. These kids, unmarred by time and age are beacons for me… reminders of things I aspire to be that crop up when things are going wrong.
I hear God whisper each time, whatever happens, don’t lose that childlikedness, do not lose it.
I won’t. I refuse to let this wretched season sink my spirit. I’ll cling to truth like the life raft it is. I’ll keep my gaze focused on Christ. I’ll fish my drowning heart from the bottom of the ocean so that I can resuscitate it. In life and death. In sickness and in heath. I promise to MYSELF that I will not let the little girl in me die. I will protect her, and tend to her, and breathe truth into her until she is set free. Until she is ready to run, arms outstretched to express the joy that she bubbling from within her.
My flesh, my body may fail me. But my God never will.
-Soli Deo Gloria
Courage, Dearest Heart 