spring

***When I wrote this time last year, I hardly had remembered that it was Easter at all. This year, I have been anticipating Easter for weeks on end, preparing for it and joyously awaiting its arrival. Well here it is, and here are my raw, naively happy thoughts about Easter, Jesus, spring, and life. It’s personal, rambling, and cheesy, but I made a vow of vulnerability that I can’t undo, so enjoy.***

I did not know what was going to happen to me in the time of starting this Lent season. Truly, I entered into it a broken, breathless girl, empty-handed and in desperate need of her Savior.

I walked out of January committing to let go of my idols: the idea of being in a relationship, the overwhelming need to leave the city I was in, and the soul sucking desire to want to know what I was going to do for the rest of my life. That was the beginning of my year, blowing at dandelion fluff, never truly knowing what seeds would take root, or what would sprout from the commitments I made.

So I turned and ran straight to God, and continued to run with Him everyday. We’ve discussed Scripture and politics and sat in silence and in wonder. My eyes opened wider as I took in all the beauty that was in front of me that I had never seen before. My heart opened wider too, as I began to understand people’s brokenness in deeper ways than I had ever seen before. But in me, I found a heart that was beating for that brokenness, a heart that yearned to be a part of God’s craftsmanship as He set out to save His shattered children. Everyday of February was a new call to live out God’s mission, not only in my daily work, but in the life I lived out as well. And He reminded me to always be filled with His Spirit in each and every step of the way.

So that was February, a month full of turning songs of lament into love songs for Him until the word “lament” had become a foreign thing, as well as turning the mundane into wonder as I intimately grew to know Jesus on a deeper level than I had before. Someone asked me to describe what my season of faith looked like, and I would have to reply that it felt like I had been dancing with Jesus in this month. I despise dancing, I really do (mostly because I’m not great at it). But if you’ve done it, it’s an intimate thing. You have to be intentional with your movements at first, and you have to pay very close attention to your partner (especially if they’re the one leading). But with time, the movements become natural, like muscle memory. And soon you’re growing in confidence and identity, until all else melts away and its just you and your dance partner. That’s been Jesus and I, just dancing through the month.

In February, those seeds I had mentioned had taken root as well. Everything that I had let go of had come right back at me in ways that I could have never anticipated or dreamed of. My ENFJ, Type 2 brain had its plans: I was going to stay still until God very clearly revealed what was next, and I was going to be content until He spoke. And I was very content, extraordinarily so during February, if I could add that. I had told myself I probably was going to spend another year in my job, slowly figuring out my life and what I wanted to do, and I would most likely be single in that time, because I love singleness and naturally thrive and bask in it… But then March hit and I was basically blown out of the water, because I suppose God’s timing is perfect and His ways are higher than mine.

God revealed to me very quickly what I was going to do and how I was going to do it.

God instilled in me a passion to work and stay in a very specific place for the rest of my life for very specific reasons (which make me happy because I love it when God gets specific with me).

And then God knocked it out of the ballpark by plopping in a lovelycaringGodlygentlemanlyhandsomedrivenoldfashionedboyfriend before we even went on our first official date.

… like…. let me be real with y’all for a moment, I did NOT see any of this coming. I did not even ask for this. I had asked for freedom in Christ, for intimacy in relationship with Him, for peace, for the capacity to know His voice more and more. And He was faithful to answer, because it’s true, if you seek Him with all of your heart you WILL find Him.

I wish I could say life was always as idyllic as this. That as soon as you “let go and let God”, you will turn around and He will plop blessings into your hands (which is the wrong attitude to have anyway). But it won’t always be this way, and honestly we’re promised as followers of Christ to live a life of suffering. I’m sure the disciples were on a spiritual high when Jesus just risen, or had just ascended into heaven, or when they had been anointed with the Holy Spirit. But suffering soon came (read the rest of the New Testament), and many lost their lives for the cause of Christ… but there was also this sense of joy and peace that they had in the midst of their circumstances that I am hoping to carry with me as well. They knew who they were in Christ. They were confident in their identity, and were more importantly confident in who their God was and what He was doing.

That’s all I want, really… that unexplainable peace in Christ in all circumstances. The ability to praise my Father from not only the valleys, but the hills as well.

I don’t know what’s left to say… this is so messy and not put together (but I used all of my writing skills on my exam this morning). So this is more of a public journal entry than anything. But yeah. I’m happy (sickeningly sometimes). I’m healthy (Y’ALL DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW STRONG MY HEALTHY MEAL PREP GAME IS). My community is solid, I’ve reconciled with a lot of people, I’ve built roots where I will be staying… So let me leave you with this. A passage from Voyage of the Dawn Treader that has stuck with me through the seasons, a passage more relevant to me today than it had ever been in my life. (click HERE for context).

In a few moments the darkness turned into a greyness ahead, and then, almost before they dared to begin hoping, they had shot out into the sunlight and were in the warm, blue world again. And all at once everybody realized that there was nothing to be afraid of and never had been.They blinked their eyes and looked about them. The brightness of the ship herself astonished them: they had half expected to find that the darkness would cling to the white and the green and the gold in the form of some grime or scum. And then first one, and then another, began laughing.

-soli deo gloria